Come

It is winter in New Zealand. I can very much relate to the season right now and in my winter season I am very much aware of God - his gentle glances, his non-judging look, his constant invitation to come, even as I am bombarded with toddler screams and baby demands and housework and bed time routines... and life in general is like a zombie marathon.

When I do make time to reflect (usually in the shower) I am pretty amazed at what being a mom is teaching me about God. I'm probably learning even more about myself though. Mostly I'm learning that I'm just a human. And I am very limited. When things are going well, when my emotional tank is full and my stress levels are manageable I'm a pretty nice person. But pushed to my limits I fall a part.

Ezra is a constant challenge for me. We're a lot a like. He has pretty regular meltdowns. He has a hard time with transitions, hard time adapting to new ideas and is easily frustrated. He needs his space and doesn't always know how to deal with his intense emotions. I find it really difficult when he having a meltdown to know how to respond because most of the time he doesn't want me to touch him. So I have to leave him until he has calmed down enough to come to me. As I've watched this happen over and over again I've been learning a big lesson in what it means to "come" to Jesus. I've had some big revelations about what God must feel when his kids won't come to him. And I've also realised how tender He is in his waiting, how eager he is to welcome us even when our first reactions were so bad. My heart melts when Ezra finally decides to sit on my lap and lean into me. It's pretty amazing to think about how God must feel. This has been a huge comfort to me lately because like I've said I've felt my humanity in a very real way.

In the past I would apologised a lot for being human, but lately I have felt really encouraged in my weakness - knowing that God made me with a limited capacity... and also gave me a will so that I can choose to come to him. So, I'm learning what that really means... to come to him over and over and over everyday. And it's not always pretty. I've thrown things and yelled and cried and behaved like a two year old as I've come to him. It's been a really hard month, but I've also felt really free in my weakness and totally accepted by my Father. I've also dared to be very honest with some close friends... disclosing all the embarrassing details of my tantrums. It's been wonderfully therapeutic to discover that I'm not the only human mother on the planet. I think laughing about my lowest moments with friends has done more for my soul than any amount of Bible reading that I could have tried to squeeze into my day.

Well, this has been very, very good for me to spend some time writing. It's funny how when things are down in writing they feel more manageable. Or maybe its the fact that I've had a glass of red wine while I've been typing :-)